thematic schizophrenia

So, the bad news is, going to gay bars (at least by myself) still does and perhaps always will drive me to the absolute borders of panic attack. This really has nothing to do with any issues I have surrounding my sexuality. At least not my acceptance of it. Any confidence I have throws itself out the window, leaving me to drink heavily and chainsmoke heartily just so I have some prop to hide behind. Why is it so hard to just go up and talk to someone? I was definitely feeling prowl-y (to put it fucking MILDLY) but I think I was alarmed at my own response in dealing with the unwanted suitors, like the drunken George Takei clone (seriously, it looked exactly like him (and yes, I know it is a dorky thing to note and reference but this is what you're dealing with here, people!)) that tried to throw himself at me FOUR fucking times. He couldn't even remember that he had done so previously after each time he came up again. I wanted to be really fucking rude and cold and just walk away in a huff instead of trying to be polite and while transmitting my complete lack of interest. But I know my comrades practice no such politesse. I just couldn't get drunk enough to stop caring, at least not on my end of the month budget coupled with the responsibility of driving myself home.

Okay, enough of that shit. It's just driving me mad because I refuse to use the internet for dating and/or procuration of sex because it feels too cold and inhuman. But I can't quite hack the gay bar scene unless I'm blowing lines. So I feel like I'm inviting myself to a new version of the same old sexual drought I've lived my entire life in. I don't want to perpetuate that. But do I really want to date? Ummm....no. As usual, I have no idea what I want and lack the savoir-faire to procure the activities my loins demand.

Let's talk about...movies. Last night I watched Nausticaa and the Valley of the Wind, which is one of the very early Miyazaki films, predating the establishment of his brilliant Studio Ghibli production company. A lot of themes of his best work is represented here: human desecration of the natural world and its consequences, shifting alliances, heroes who sacrifice their lives and are resurrected, etc. I would by no means say that it is one of his better films, but it stands up incredibly well 22 years later. It was fairly recently re-adapted and re-released (to video) with better translation and voicework that its earlier incarnation, much like Castle in the Sky was. This film contains a lot of what I like most about his films: almost too much imagination coupled with a comparatively simple moral sensibility. I thought the same message, of humanity's dangers to itself and the earth, were more elequently stated in Princess Mononoke, but this film is absolutely worth watching, if you are a fan of Miyazaki's work.

Tomorrow, I start my training in coffee land. This is damn good news and I am thrilled to have some new things happening.