a good whiney rant

Admittedly...I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

But that's a given.

Somewhere along the line, I surrendered my ability to capitalize. No more! 'I' will be capitalized from here on out, as well as any/all proper nouns. I strayed from my destiny.

As I have been doing for months now. Staring blankly into my computer, I feel amazed I can even put together a complete sentence. Looking at my resume never felt so...chilling. Last time it was time to do this, I suppose I was less existentially shipwrecked than I am at the moment.

I found myself thinking today that my excessive potheadedness is not limited to association with compulsive behavior - I wondered if I was trying to stun myself out of consciously realizing how quickly my life is passing me by and how I am changing without even consenting to these changes! And by changing, I mean growing older. There are many people with whom I have not spoken in what seems to be ages, but when asked to summarize what I have done with myself and my time, I realize...there is very little I can say.

'Oh, you know - drinking and smoking to the point of stupidity and hanging out with my friends all the time,' I would blithely reply if I felt more blithe about the whole thing. I am not strictly dissatisfied with this, my relatively pointless lifestyle. I am admittedly obsessed with my friends. To say nothing of drinking and smoking. But it seems far more pleasurable to be with my people, my self-made family, my tribe than to be by myself attempting to do...anything.

I feel like I could be staring into the face of the last wave of brilliant and unrealized ideas I could ever have...my brain could go drier than the Sahara at any time - when the ideas and characters fade, surely the quips are not far behind.

So, I must act. And I have collaborators, supporters, resources and I'm even coming up on some free time what with the eventuality of my quitting my job finally kicking in and all. I guess I'm just scared as fucking hell. I don't know what I'm doing. But I do not what I'm not doing. Which is enough. Knowing the I will never be able to do enough for myself is what puts me in this waking coma....like achieving true justice, it is impossible. So rather than make the attempt, I apparently just wish to slide into the warm bathwater of nothingness.

I'm whining. And you would never believe that I'm pretty happy righty now, but I actually am.

I just wanted to whisper into the ears of my fears for a moment. That's what you're here for, old bloggybabes - innit?