three month itch

I realize again the epic importance of blogging/journaling....so much time is going by so quickly, so much seems hegemonic and un-exceptional, but only because it is being compared against what I have already done, what I am in the midst of doing - everything seems the same, like the same song played again even though you haven't heard it in three months you realized you have not changed, it has not changed. But everything really is the same if there is no way to trace the passage of days and events - for me time of late has been one stony, unrecognizable and drunktastic conglomerate of days and weeks. I work all the time and then when I am not working I am probably drinking or sleeping (that I am also high goes without saying).

Things that have changed in the last three months: I moved (triumph!) and have found my office job that I had just acquired upon last bloggity to become my more substantive bread and butter, I hit the back of a taxi just barely and fucked myself and my life HARD, I passed my first birthday-and-holidays cycle in Austin, I took up with a young fellow for whom I have nothing but mediocrity in my heart, whom I am currently very passively blowing off (not in a good way, obvs).

I am excited about the possibilities surrounding this new year, but have felt over-burdened by the post-cabbie horror, to the point where though I had no phone, it didn't matter a whit because I was too overpowered to even want to do anything but hide away in my house (which is new, beautiful and full of novelty and capacity for changing my life, so not all bad).

I want to be more. I want to live and do more and feel more electricity for my life.

I think I can do it, because today is the first time my heart felt freed of some of the dread Damaclesing over my head seemingly without end.

I don't know if I'll be blogging with any sort of regularity, but keeping some kind of record at this point is critical.